Father offered high-paying job with long hours and far commute, but refuses to accept it unless his wife agrees to quit teaching and become a SAHM for their young children, sparking tension when she refuses: 'I don't want them to be raised by a stranger'

Author image for Emma Saven
Emma Saven
Jan 23, 2026 4:00 PM EST

They say, Time is Money, but is the cost of lost time ever truly worth the money? 

The common debate of the 20s-40s tends to surround the concept of Career vs Kids. But why do they have to be mutually exclusive? Many people believe having kids means having to give up on achieving their dreams. It's almost like the world is giving us two options: "You can either have the expensive car, and all-glass penthouse…or the car seat covered in Cheetos, and the 2-bedroom with every corner a baby-proofed."  And if you wish to have both, as progressive as the world likes to believe it has become, they'll likely label you delusional behind your back. We're definitely not saying simultaneously achieving the boss and parent role is impossible…We're saying that most people know that you are always going to have to sacrifice an element of one to get a piece of the other. 

And this seems to be where this father's worries lie…

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  • This dad of two under two is offered a high-paying job, an amazing opportunity to improve the family's finances. The downside is that the job is 1.5 hours away and would require him to work 15 stressful hours, 5 days a week. However, he is well aware that the new salary would nearly double his income…According to him, his wife is what you call a ‘big spender’ and is really encouraging to take the job. Although he knows that he is the one who spends most of the time looking after the children after work, and worries that if they're both working, the kids won't have the support and time they deserve…

    After his wife refuses to move closer to his potential new workplace, he makes a ‘condition’ for her…If she agrees to quit her teaching job to become a stay-at-home mom, he will take the job, and they can stay in their current home. But when she refuses to give up her job to be at home with the kids, he really struggles to grapple with the guilt of leaving the kids behind, knowing deep down that he values watching them grow up more than any oversized paycheck. 

  • Mother playing with her baby boy at home
    via Ivan S

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • AITAH for refusing to take a new job if my wife is not going to be a SAHM

    So, I make 85k per year. We have 2 kids, 20 months and 5 months old.
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  • Wife makes 50k a teacher as a teacher. I was offered another job, 1.5hrs from home, it's 168k, 2 year initial contract.
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  • Did the math, 135k current salary + the extra 2k per month to insurance the whole family, we would be better off as day care is eating up $1800 a month, so realistically as a family it's a 23k raise with an increase of a 3-13k a year in expenses (insurance, tires, gas, possible rental I'll mention below) The problem is, this new job is going to absolutely SUCK.
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  • I can do it, and it'll put me in a great place going forward (would be able to write my own ticket locally) but we are talking with commute time, easily 13-15hr days, 5-7 days a week, and it's a MUCH MORE stressful role.
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  • I know I can do it, but I actually don't really want to. My potential employer actually bought an old school and turned it into apartments, they do $600 a month all inclusive.
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  • So I could get one of them, and sleep there occasionally so I don't have to do the commute.
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  • Problem 2, wife has spending problems. All debt we have is hers. As such, we have never truly combined finances.
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  • We have a joint account my paycheck goes into, and then I have my own account that I withdraw $800 a month to for me.
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  • That $800 is where I buy my gas, etc from. (Twice the joint was over drawn when I went to get gas, so I made myself an account so I can always get fuel and emergency groceries).
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  • Preschool teacher sitting with a group of three children at a small table
    via gettyimagespro

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Her money goes into her account. She does buy stuff for the house of her account, but she didn't want it deposited into the joint incase I wanted to screw her over.
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  • She was taken by an ex before by cosigning for his car and he stole her $12,000 savings when they were both on an account.
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  • Again, this doesn't bother me. Moving is not an option, we bought a 22 acre plot with a house before Covid, it's going great, we don't want to move.
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  • I just don't want to do this job if she keeps hers. My reasons are, right now I get home, see my kids, hang out with them.
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  • I take them over completely when I get home, so she can go to bed, (she is chronically tired since she had covid, so she goes to bed at 7pm).
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  • I get home at 5pm, have the kids until they fall asleep, and usually wake up with them, because I leave at 5am, and she doesn't need to leave until 6:45am, so try to let her rest.
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  • Edit: What I mean by wake up with them is if they start crying in the night, I'll get up with them, I don't sleep much the way it is and it's hard to fall into a deep sleep.
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  • This job will make it so I'm not around. It's 10hr expected shifts usually with some lee-way, so I'll be leaving at 5am, getting home around 8pm.
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  • (Giving myself 2hr driving window). Days I am exhausted or need to work late, I would stay at the rental (to me it makes sense not to rent the apt).
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  • Wife wants me to take the job for the raise, so we can live larger, she already is car shopping, but wants to keep hers.
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  • don't want to give up time with my kids, and them not spend time with mom.
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  • I can fully understand not wanting a stranger to raise his children, but do you think it's fair for him to ask his wife to leave her job? That job could also represent more than just a dual-income household. It can be a symbol of her independence, passions, and her purpose…So to him, it may seem like an easy choice, but to her, it may be a lot deeper than that. At the end of the day, do you believe that anyone should have to choose between parenthood and their careers? 

  • Dad sitting in an armchair and reading a story to his baby
    via karola-g

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • I don't want them to be raised by a stranger. AITAH that I don't want to trade my 15 minute commute and time with my family in for a double pay raise?
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  • She has me feeling like a failure of a dad and husband because I am not automatically jumping at it.
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  • I asked about them moving with me, us renting a home there, and coming back to the farm on weekends, and then when the kids are in school move back.
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  • She could keep working then. She refused. We aren't moving and she isn't going to stay at home.
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  • That's fine. No family or friends are involved, she is just mad at me and has sent me like 8 texts so far today asking if I have accepted it yet.
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  • Edit: I should have mentioned part of the reason I don't want to do it is I saw my son's first steps, his first words, etc.
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  • I don't want to miss it, or be so tired I can't be fully invested in that for my daughter.
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  • Also, in 2 years my son will be in T-Ball (hopefully) and I want to be there for all those cool moments.
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  • My dad was a farmer, so I got to see him everyday and go out and sit in the tractor with him.
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  • Even though I lost him when I was young, I still have great memories. I don't want my kids to not know me..
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